Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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