i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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