I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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