so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
