I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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