Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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