You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
