I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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