Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
It was like getting head from an anaconda
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
