I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
this just has baby written all over it
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.