why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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