I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize