i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
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