I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
