so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
