So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
my liver is dry heaving
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
