If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
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