He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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