I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
