Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
