eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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