My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Randomize
