then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
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This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
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I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
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