dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
