my room smells like sperm. sweet.
school has made you so classy.
that's mcgill. producing sluts since 1884.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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