that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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