someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
