Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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