Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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