I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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