So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
