I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
