the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
