the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
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