I'm going to jail i love you
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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