just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Boobs speak an international language.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
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