Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
