I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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