the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
