Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Randomize
