things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
