Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
