We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
