I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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