I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
