theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
