why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
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