dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
