Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Randomize
