just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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