Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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