Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
