No stitches, just platelets and will power
i just sent this text using only my big toe
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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