I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
