I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
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We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
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I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
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