I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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