I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
